Senior Spotlight: First Things First – Talking About Downsizing

Welcome back to the Bobbi Decker Senior Spotlight! One of the biggest and most-often requested topics with regards to this feature on our blog is downsizing and/or rightsizing. We have written and published hundreds of articles with relevant resources, books to guide the process, links to professionals who can help and more. But there is one part of the process that could always use more support – the initial conversation. 

Most of us are at the point in our lives where we have experienced loss, in which we have lost a grandparent or parent(s) and seen both the emotional grief and physical aftermath of managing the loved one’s belongings. Moreover, you may have parents or a remaining parent who you feel could benefit from downsizing, but don’t know how to broach the subject. Yet like most hard subjects – it’s best addressed well in advance of need rather than when it’s a ‘must’ and a fire drill. 

The Washington Post recently featured some tips from geriatric mental health expert, psychiatrist & UCLA Professor Helen Lavretsky. She believes that “it’s common to avoid such discussions out of fear of death or not wanting to appear controlling." She says "There is a way to handle the conversation tactfully, primarily by emphasizing that you’re interested in knowing — and respecting — your parents’ wishes and preferences regarding their personal belongings.” 

Top Tips Include:

1) Avoid having a one-sided conversation based on what you are thinking your parents need to do.

2) Start the dialogue by asking open-ended questions such as 'How is it for you keeping up with this house? Have you ever thought about downsizing? Do you plan on staying here indefinitely?.’

3) Use the answers from your loved ones above to set goals and create intentions, preferably in writing so they can be referenced objectively if/when emotions run high down the road. 

4) Do not assume a leadership role with the goals above, but instead ask how you can help or offer one specific area of support to start. 

5) Expect pacing to be gradual, to keep the downsizing process less overwhelming and also to avoid rushing and getting rid of items of value or meaning by mistake. 

6) Consider framing the tasks as seasonal (i.e. winter or spring cleaning) or work room-by-room. 

7) Accept that trips down memory lane are an important part of the process – and enjoy them! 

8) Save the logistics of what to do with the unwanted items for the end when you can; allow family members to choose items before you consider hiring an estate expert or junk removal person. 

9) Invoke meaning within the process when you can. Select organizations to donate goods to that have a place in your family’s heart, give old blankets and clothing to local shelters – the idea of ‘downsizing with a purpose’ can make it feel like less of a loss if others are benefitting. 

10) Perhaps a read HumanGood offers the very best advice of all: "Give [parents] hugs. Let them know that you know this is tough. And let them know that it’s tough for you, too.” (As quoted by Marty Stevens-Heebner, a certified senior move manager (SMM-C) and CEO of Clear Home Solutions). 

Best wishes as you start the conversation and keep it going… with compassion,

Bobbi 

Bobbi Decker
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